My Little Black Memoirs

Dedicated to God, my loved ones and I

Dear Father
porzellan_puppe


Dear Father Lord,

You say that You love me so much that I just have to ask for what I want and You will give it.

Well, I just lost a love to my insecurities. It was all good til I messed it up. Please return my love to me. I pray for healing within myself and for my love so that we can overcome this hurdle once more for a stronger relationship. This obstacle has shown me what I want.

Thank you and I love You.
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Sometimes...
porzellan_puppe


Sometimes a girl just needs to cry. It doesn't mean that she's pulling a stunt or she wants to be dramatic about things. It's just the way she feels at that moment. It's pure honesty. Don't be harsh, don't judge. Just be there for her by not saying anything at all. Just hold her in your arms til she stops. That's all she's asking.

I couldn't find those pictures tonight. Couldn't find those dear, missing pictures....

But I found a box of memories. That pop up Christmas card that never got sent and words from part of a diary that was salvaged.

I will smile for the world to see and make a difference like nobody else has managed to. I will keep going to fulfil my purpose.
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I saw
porzellan_puppe

I saw someone who looked like the ferret boy today. He was driving a car and a father. Got the shock of my life!


Nightmares
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Been having nightmares and restless nights this past two weeks. Sucks...Screamed in my sleep a couple of times and just jolted awake. Haiz...For the life of me though, I can't remember what the nightmares are about.

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Gah
porzellan_puppe
Here's a little update on moi life...

Watched The Pillars of the Earth last night and it was great! Made me think though...Lol.

A little tired and stressed today coz I'm still lousy in my product knowledge with my new company. Went to meet customers yesterday and have tons of qoutes to send out but no clue what to qoute! This is tougher than I thought it would be especially when I'm still struggling to understand IT stuff.

Although I should cut myself some slack since I'm barely 3 weeks old - a baby! But I feel the stress of producing results. I'm starting to believe someone's words about how me and IT just don't gel.

On the other hand, I wouldn't be here if not for God's Will. Everyone close knows how I got this job out of nowhere, almost miraculously. Guess I just have to cope and manage the hows.

Office is quiet today and I'm resting for a bit after a meeting with one of my bosses. Heavy stuff for a newbie. I should look to my friend in China whose work life is far more stressful and hectic than mine and feel relieved. I guess I am! Haha...

Another thing to stress about is my small claims hearing next Tuesday. Will I get my money back or will I have more trouble to deal with? Sigh...

On a lighter note, my romance life is heating up. Been dating many many guys and have finally found someone worth being with. He feels the same way. There's always a but for me though. Fear being one...history repeating itself is second...But I vowed to leave everything in God's hands so I'll go with His flow.

It's lunch time! Not heading out today coz there's only 2 bucks left in my wallet. Sad....




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My Angel
porzellan_puppe


Hmmm...I'm feeling a little funny today. Everything is going great in my life recently. I love my new job which entitles me more freedom as compared to before. I have more time to do my own stuff now and I get sufficient rest!
It seems that life is taking the smooth path and every area of my life is improving by leaps and bounds. May the rough, bad patches STAY GONE!

However, I felt a keen sense of something the last two days.

I had a strange but beautiful dream on Monday which may not have set off this strange mood but definitely played a part in contributing to it.

It was a flying dream...Shall I type it down like how I used to record my more peculiar dreams?

A bunch of friends and I entered a Chinese temple. The moment the doors slammed shut, we knew it was a mistake. The place seemed funny. Although everything was in order and it seemed like any regular temple, we were trapped within by spiritual forces. Like Hotel California haha...

There was an element of fear.

In this state of helplessness, one of the guys in the group revealed himself to be a flying creature. Eagle or angel...it's very unclear in the dream.

He escaped by flying away and left the rest of us behind.

I was him yet also myself - one of those left behind. I could feel his elation of escaping, his surprise that he had it within him to morph. The fear that he wasn't human.

Yet, I was a seperate entity, watching him fly away and realising that I will miss him.

He flies back though, in the evening and swops down at us to let us know he has returned and I shouted out to him that I love him. It was a sudden realisation at the point of time and since I might never had seen him again, I wanted to let him know.

Those words became my ticket to freedom because he grabbed me and rescued me away. We flew past high rise buildings and swopped down low on streets, the wind blowing hard against us.

In all my flying dreams, I've never been able to keep flying. I was always forced to land and then had to run really fast to take off flying. There was always soemone chasing me and everytime I landed, I would be afraid of being caught.

But in this dream, I was secure and always flying. I didn't need to land if I didn't want to.

(Remember that I am him and myself at once)

He brought me to an apartment during sunset and said it was where we were going to be living. I was so happy. Then, he brought me out to the balcony and show me an ancient castle in front of us, a few streets away and an ancient dome to our left, also a few streets away. He knew I liked such stuff and thus, got me the apartment.

There was such a burst of love and warmth when he told me. I was so so happy! I found what I was looking for. :)

Then I awoke. -_-"

I haven't had such a dream in so long that it completely took me offguard. It made my day.

Back to the strange mood...I don't know what it's all about but I do know that I'll be alright no matter what coz God is with me. ;)

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Nothing Left
porzellan_puppe
Wo hao fan ah. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel so restless and troubled. I don't want to do anything but just curl up in bed and fall into a deep sleep. Maybe never wake up. Maybe I'm just mentally exhausted from today. It's been one hellava busy day. I'm getting quite sick of life. Aiyoh....how juvenile. I thought I would be over such stupid thoughts at my age. No sun to energise me, no water to nourish me, no oxygen left to keep me alive. You know? I've always been like this. I'll go into a cycle of moodiness and sadness after some time. And here it is again. It's just me. I suppose I can't ever get rid of it but I can try to control it. I just want my bed now. Nothing else matters.
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A Matter of Perspectives
porzellan_puppe




Shirley and Sam gave me a new perspective to how things could be instead of my negative thoughts on the situation. What will I do without them?


I had this thought to wait and consult them before I sent out the letter. Thankfully I did. Although things are far from resolved, I feel better. On second thoughts, there is no way to resolve the matter at all. I just have to give it up to God.


Could it be that they were right? And all I had to say was the three words? That he was fishing for those three words?


Whatever it is, it doesn't seem as if I'll ever get my miracle. :(


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Just Emotions
porzellan_puppe


It's amazing how such a small matter can throw me off balance. Such a tiny matter in the big scheme of things. There are so many other important matters that needs to be attended to, to be focussed on but again, I find myself floundering in an ocean of tears and emotion. Pain, pain, pain.

I wonder if I'll ever learn to be stronger and think more with my head rather than my heart? Why do I do this to myself?


At this point of time, I think that the best way to solve my problem, is to isolate myself. I'm quite tired of hitting the rut and the only way I can think of helping myself is to wash my hands off men. It's my problem so I'll deal with it. A problem I've been struggling with ever since I started my first relationship and it seems to be neverending.

Jesus will be the only man in my life.

My primary focus will be to build a nest for myself and my parents. This is the most important thing in my life right now. Everything else should take a back seat.

A waste of my youth? Maybe. I know what I should be doing but I don't feel that I should be correcting myself. It doesn't feel right to be heading in another direction.

I'm going to take a break. Maybe this break will last for good or maybe it'll end in a couple of months. Whatever it is, I'm leaving it in God's hands. This break will clear my head and open my mind to other possibilities.

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Echoes
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I've lost a friend for good and it is for the best but everything turned out so ugly. Our friendship has ended because we've both changed and drifted apart. I am so glad it is over because it has become a thorn in my flesh. It was meant to end.

But the harsh, provoking words exchanged was unnecessary. I kept my cool and didn't stoop to her level. That, I'm proud of!

Empty. I worked so hard at something but still failed. I gave it my best shot but it was destined to fail. No, I'm not talking about the friendship.

That day, I turned away one last time and said goodbye in my heart. There was that one look we exchanged just before the door shut. We both knew it would be the end.

This time, there was no tears...just a void and the echoes of the past.
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